Everytime

Hold that line!

Everytime! It's imperative that you hold that line tight! When you thought that your victory was to draw it bold and bright, you were only half right.

It is good to have boundaries that are secure. The best first step for sure. Be mindful that the freedom of self preservation is protection, not a cure.

You've got to hold that line!

Don't get in your feelings for them testing the firmness of your stance. It's not by happenstance. If there's a crack, then there's a chance.

Being a sucker should not be confused with being meek. The latter takes patience that's not given to the weak. Whatever's reserved for you they seek.

Hold that line!

Everytime. Protect the path you choose. Endure every bump and bruise. Without commitment to yourself, your just rewards you'll lose.

You really think after compromise that you will be just fine? It will mar the essence of your soul to know that you lack spine. If your really want to live in peace that is divine, then hold that line!

Brotherhood and mortality

My son Q is best friends with A. Q and A have been friends since they were little boys. Now they are both 18. Their relationship is built on brotherhood and the real question of mortality.

Q and A were raised in male dominated households. Q has four brothers and one sister. A has three brothers. Q lives with both of his parents and A lives with his single father. They both feel secure, loved, and protected. I think this may be why the vulnerability that exists between them is so natural to all of us.

When they were about 9 years old, A got sick. Their days of playing outside and riding bikes was transformed them into couch potato gamers. I didn't know why A's body had an aversion to protein, but I do know that his medicines and steroids made him swell. And grow really tall lol. He was probably going to be tall anyway; however, his 6 ft stature at age 12 was pretty astonishing.

When I look back, I am glad that Q was being homeschooled then. A had to miss a lot of school, so they both understand responsibility and freedom. Alternative solutions are available to every problem when we seek them. Q asked me to give him recipes for veggie pizza, veggie spaghetti, black bean burgers, and fettuccine Alfredo with mushrooms and roasted tomatoes. From what I heard, he mastered those and more. A knew then that he wanted to grow up to be a chef.

By 14, A was taking dialysis twice a week. I suspect that he slept more during their visits than interacting. Q was over there so much that I was afraid A's dad would sue me for child support. But I let me son go whenever he wanted and he'd let Q come over as often as he needed to. Just hanging out together seemed to help them both.

Oh they had quarrels though. Q would get mad that he had to call A more than A called him. A would be upset, because he couldn't get Q to understand how hard things were for him physically, emotionally, and spiritually. As young teens, how could they communicate the ways that A's health dictated the responsibilities within and the duration of their friendship? Especially boys. Their dads and their brothers didn't call them names or shame their need for this friendship. Then Q started to visit on days that A had dialysis. He would go with him; sit with him as the hours passed.

Q was only 16 when he asked us if he could donate a kidney to his best friend. What does a parent say to that? We had concerns, but ultimately we did not presume to know God's plan for either of them, so we said yes. Look either they were going to be a match or they weren't. That was something that none of us could control or dictated. Q told A. We told A's dad. Love flowed and everyone was increased.

A didn't want Q's kidney, unless there were no other options. He dodged his questions on where and when he could be tested. I think A did not want a part of his friend's life just to save his own. But time went on and no family members were a match. Q told me nonchalantly with a shrug, "I told him again I'd do it". One night the call came that another young person had lost their life and was a good match. We sincerely prayed for the family that thought of someone else's child at the earliest moments of losing their own. Love abounds.

It's been 6 months or so. This summer the boys went fishing, swimming, camping, and hanging out with other friends. I think they've been to escape the room three times (and never get out lol). A told me all his plans for culinary school, getting a driver's license, and a part-time job. He said that now he feels like he can actually plan ahead. Wow.

Q just came in my room and told me…..

Dreadfully

"Girl, what is wrong wit yo head?"
"Nothing."
"Well you need to comb that mess out. Walking around here with a head full of pig tits."
"They're not pig tits. They're dreadlocks and I like em."
"I agree with one thing. They do look dreadful."

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. You're trying to shove it down my throat that white folks ain't gone like it, that doors will be closed, that I have chosen to look unkept. It's you that cracks back with backhand compliments. Telling me what I can't be.

I refuse to be responsible for someone else's fear of my freedom. I push back against false teachings that do not belong to me. I will not be turned around by someone who has processed all the natural thoughts out their head by buying into lye. I won't deny myself my righteousness. I won't be turned around.

Dreadful is my awe inspiring outward manifestation of inside revelations. They teach me. Tremble against my courage if you must. Shutter at my disregard for life that was never meant for me. Then at the same time, you wanna touch em. No ma'am. Your ways are a circus; I won't jump through hoops.

Be ashamed? Of what? If I walk in a door and I'm not welcomed, then that is a place I would not want to be. And in my personal experience, they never blocked access to quality opportunities for me. Key word: quality. Not every door leads to a room I want to go in. I'm choosy. Seriously, what can be kept from me? A mock-up of equality? Yeah keep that. It's beneath what I already know the path to be.

And I ain't gonna twist my edges away. Trying to tame whats supposed to be free. Miss me. Besides all that pulling, pinning, and yanking make my roots hurt. But mine ain't pretty cus they don't fit into your Cosmo game? Y'all want that GQ fame. Yeah I don't live in that frame. How do you conform nonconformity? Stop it.

A bit of extra truth though. My crown is a straight mat with coils in the back. My modge podge heritage won't rest in a label. It can't nestle into fable, cus it's silk and nappy. It expresses in a way that sincerely baffles me. I learned not to fight it. It can be quite dreadful.

But feel fear? Terror? Never. Well maybe sometimes you should, but that depends more on you and about me less. Are your intentions to inhibit, restrict, or suppress? I ain't colorblind. I recognize all the shade I see. Well, your inferior ruminations build on standards of degradation will not rule the celebration of my inalienable right to be. Me. Free.

I hope you felt that. Dreadfully lol.

Discontent

Discontent. That's the only way to describe how it feels to want a life that you can never catch hold to. If only that word had a simple action that could erase it from your heart.

As a little kid, I knew that I would have a house with a pool in a suburban neighborhood where the median income was $120,000 a year. The idea of that income was equivalent to $120 million dollars in my childish fantasy. Still, I planned to rise early to a refreshing morning swim and drive off to my mystery job in a flying car (like the Jetsons).

Obviously, I grew up. I have a much better understanding of what it takes to earn that salary, pay for that house with a pool, and pay association fees to keep my neighbors homes uniform with my ideal suburban oasis. I accepted that cars don't fly (yet), but I still want the best on four wheels.

I went to school and got a degree that is little more than a conversation piece. Yes, I gained knowledge in an area of study, but it has done little to enhance my earning potential. I believed so strong that a master's could do what a bachelors could not; consequently, I'm told I'm overeducated. I see people that have used education to their advantage. I am sure it can be done. I've seen it on TV, in magazines, and in books, yet me and my peers can't find the answer to the riddle. "What do you call someone who goes tens of thousands of dollars in debt to pay someone to teach them things out of books that cost hundreds of dollars, but still can't figure out how to use the information from those books to secure a job that can repay the debt?"

I guess it's apparent that my discontent stems from the disconnect between the life I envisioned and the one I created. I take personal responsibility for trying to do everything right by the book. I don't even know how I was supposed to create something different. I mean I did what my parents said; what society said. I drank the higher learning kool-aid and it was laced with discontentment.

Balance: Everything & Nothing

All I know is that my life has been a little bit of everything and nothing in extremes. Mediocre at best and mundane in the least.

I have never "woke up like this". Flawless. But my morning breath hasn't killed my husband or kids yet. I have two legs, two breasts, and I wear size 7 jeans. I am thankful for these unmerited kindnesses in life; however, I'm too modest to wear shorts, I rock an A cup (as far as A cups can rock), and my ass is small enough to fit into Abercrombie (and no self respecting grown woman wants to fit into those heroin chic jeans). I figure that my figure is mediocre at best.

I do have gorgeous hair. It's all natural (no perm, weave, or jheri curl berries) and waist length. Thick and healthy. But.. it's the dullest dark brown. Like muddy water, full of life but no one wants it. My daughter has jet black hair; shiny and sultry lustrous locs. Mine is healthy but the color is mundane.

A little bit of everything and nothing to extremes. I've never been the richest; I've never been the poorest. I've never been the shortest, but I'm certainly not the tallest. And even though I have wisdom, there are too many topics of study for me to be the master of them all. Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. Not to me anyway.

Contentment is not settling for less than. It is being satisfied with what you have.  Know that your means and skills are sufficient to serve your basic needs right now. This does not mean that you cannot pursue higher education, a job promotion, or dye your hair. It means that while you strive to be the change you want to see, appreciate who you are in this moment.

Living in the past and waiting for the future can deprive you of the joys in today. Be present in your own life. 

 

The Journey: for goodness self

This is where the journey begins. This is the public self giving permission for the private self to be exposed. The reconciliation of the duality of self.

Inside words and pictures mesh to illustrate a world of choice and consequences, where scrutiny does not hamper the fluidity or validity of thought. A picture of the self is formed through its own perspective of where it think it stands in the world. Am I conservative? Am I liberal? Am I believer in God? Am I vested in the power of self? No matter how far the thoughts go, the end is reassurance that who I think I am is still intact. Self will find the evidence to prove its worth. But it must confront evidence that is contrary to who it thinks it is in order to be balanced.. in thoughts and deeds.

The private self is free to believe and value ideas that increase its' own sense of worth. It can chase thoughts down rabbit holes leading to new ideas or new perspectives of old ideas. Since beliefs are not always based in facts, but more often formed from social cues picked up in our environments, testing the validity of our beliefs can be a challenge. After all, how can you know when your logic is off? What does it take to remove barriers that prevent the evolution of conscious thought? How do we discover the errors of our ways?

The public self can be a vehicle to test and identify the foundations of our thoughts. Yes, the public self can also be a facade that is completely disconnected from private thoughts; however, it can also serve as a catalyst to reconcile discrepancies between what we think we know about ourselves and world and how we actually interact in the world.

This is where my journey begins. This is the platform in which I am willing to examine myself. The end goal is to authentically live my philosophies that promote human consciousness and eradicate the contradictions that I find within my own dichotomy of self. Rooting out non-beneficial core thoughts will lead to a fuller, more connected life.  Feel free to come along. Just be willing to do your own work.

 

 

Featured post

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: