Dreadfully

“Girl, what is wrong wit yo head?”
“Nothing.”
“Well you need to comb that mess out. Walking around here with a head full of pig tits.”
“They’re not pig tits. They’re dreadlocks and I like em.”
“I agree with one thing. They do look dreadful.”

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. You’re trying to shove it down my throat that white folks ain’t gone like it, that doors will be closed, that I have chosen to look unkept. It’s you that cracks back with backhand compliments. Telling me what I can’t be.

I refuse to be responsible for someone else’s fear of my freedom. I push back against false teachings that do not belong to me. I will not be turned around by someone who has processed all the natural thoughts out their head by buying into lye. I won’t deny myself my righteousness. I won’t be turned around.

Dreadful is my awe inspiring outward manifestation of inside revelations. They teach me. Tremble against my courage if you must. Shutter at my disregard for life that was never meant for me. Then at the same time, you wanna touch em. No ma’am. Your ways are a circus; I won’t jump through hoops.

Be ashamed? Of what? If I walk in a door and I’m not welcomed, then that is a place I would not want to be. And in my personal experience, they never blocked access to quality opportunities for me. Key word: quality. Not every door leads to a room I want to go in. I’m choosy. Seriously, what can be kept from me? A mock-up of equality? Yeah keep that. It’s beneath what I already know the path to be.

And I ain’t gonna twist my edges away. Trying to tame whats supposed to be free. Miss me. Besides all that pulling, pinning, and yanking make my roots hurt. But mine ain’t pretty cus they don’t fit into your Cosmo game? Y’all want that GQ fame. Yeah I don’t live in that frame. How do you conform nonconformity? Stop it.

A bit of extra truth though. My crown is a straight mat with coils in the back. My modge podge heritage won’t rest in a label. It can’t nestle into fable, cus it’s silk and nappy. It expresses in a way that sincerely baffles me. I learned not to fight it. It can be quite dreadful.

But feel fear? Terror? Never. Well maybe sometimes you should, but that depends more on you and about me less. Are your intentions to inhibit, restrict, or suppress? I ain’t colorblind. I recognize all the shade I see. Well, your inferior ruminations build on standards of degradation will not rule the celebration of my inalienable right to be. Me. Free.

I hope you felt that. Dreadfully lol.

I’ve added a new read for your edification! Learning about dreadlocks as an art of self-expression is just as important as understanding social boundaries necessary to the respect and preservation of it’s sacred space. Please check out “Don’t Touch My Hair” on my Journey page!

A Fool’s Game

Taking thought to every step
Pay the tax and toll for using the road

Dreaming of ends to need and want
The cloud of hope is lightning bolt filled

Devising to stand on a solid plan
Fast or slow cannot lift feet from sand

Committing every fiber of our soul
A stacked deck where fortunes sold

Binding doubt with thread bare will
Glasses cracked by the lies life told

Choice by choice

Face-to-Face. The Ying and the Yang of things. The mirror image that reflects flaws like through a looking glass.

Back-to-Back. No real partner to be had. What is contained in the brain is the singular point of reference.

Choice-by-Choice. We craft our perspective. Build up weaknesses or rely on known strengths, the choice is ours to make.

Daily prompt: Partner
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/partner/

That person…

If you can control it, please don’t be that person. You know. The person who is so preoccupied with what comes next that they have no presence in the present.

I try my best not to be that person. That person that sits in the front of the class and equates every lecture to a personal experience. I can tell you that no one cares that you were a real estate agent who volunteered to pass out water during a space shuttle launch. It has nothing to do with [insert course title].

It takes self discipline to avoid becoming that person. No matter what great news your closest friend has you some how turn the conversation towards your own achievements that just happens to grander than hers/his. You are considered a one upper and no one likes your attempts to shine by snuffing the flame of someone else’s brightness.

It takes self awareness not to devolve into that person. The emotional vampire. There I’ve said it. Get your life together. No one wants to hear you whine about a life you created and are unwilling to change.

Oh God, no!!! Have I become that person? The one who sits on high and judges others. Deluded into thinking that we’ve lived in perpetual triumph all our lives. Forgetting every stumble and fall.

I think it’s best to remember that at some point it’s likely that we have been that person.

Increase

Encouragement comes when you’re not looking. It sweeps you up from the blues. The uplifting of your spirit reminding you of you.

It takes time to reach a destination. The journey of twists and turns. Yet on the path to greatness, kindness can keep you sustained.

Let’s not forget to empower. To embolden while courage is still young. Let us increase one another as we battle our fights to be won.

Generations: Worlds apart

Time. Lines. In one household, we occupy vastly different spaces. Worlds apart from each other, our bond is challenged by our coexistence.

A medical emergency lead us to decide that we needed to move our family in with our parents. As self-sufficient grown ass adults, it’s been humbling to say the least. It was the wisest option considering the totality of our circumstances, and their love and support has helped us through a difficult healing process.

We knew that combining our kids (young adults) and our parents under the same roof would be a challenge. What I think I underestimated was how this would become a study of values and behavioral norms across generational lines. Our age sets are 68-72, 44-47, and 17-23. The 68-72 set has two people, a male and a female. The 44-47 set is also a married male and female couple. The 17-23 group is made up of 3 single males.

Our parents lived alone in a two story 5 bedroom house. Needless to say, we are not living on top of one another. Everyone has a certain amount of privacy and a space they can retreat to. The parents generally occupy the living room during the day and early evening. The watch all their stories, Fox news, and Alaskan wilderness shows. Mother is the primary cook, so their days are scheduled around meals with dinner at 6pm. Pop is retired military, but works part time to stay active and supplement his income. Mother has not worked outside the house in about 30 years. Pop is a Republican and Mother is her husband’s wife. They share one car. The house alarm was generally set by 8pm.

Time. Our household is nocturnal. Well the male part of my household anyway. My husband and sons become active in the house after dark and it lasts until around 3am. While recovering from his injury, my husband slept during the day and perked up once I got home in the evening. Two of our sons work nights, so they do not get home until midnight. During summer, the 17 year old keeps the same vampire schedule as his Dad and brothers. I go to sleep around the time the older ones get home. Dad and boys may sit outside in the night air talking, laughing, and sipping a brew, or they may watch a comedy and laugh until they can’t breath. They have very little sense of volume, especially their Dad whose laugh is best described as “jolly”. My husband and I vote bipartisan. Our voting age sons are more liberal. Oh and we have 5 cars.

Lines. Everytime the night crew goes outside, the alarm system announces “garage door” or “front door” loudly. Apparently, the volume was raised to proclaim what they were doing at night and it fuels an annoyance about what they are doing at night. Pop is asleep; they are awake. Consequently during the day, he is awake, while they are asleep.

And more lines. The parents park in their garage. In an effort to not block their side of the driveway, we park two cars in a line on the other side, and three cars on the street. Yes, this means we have to park at least one in front of the neighbors houses (we try to rotate which neighbor as a courtesy). The parents don’t want to offend their neighbors; my menfolk feel like it’s a setup (can’t park in the driveway, but have to endure snide comments about disturbing the neighborhood). Sincerely, some neighbors have pulled their second cars out of their driveways and permanently parked them at the curb so they can’t use that space (super petty).

Worlds apart. The distance between our parents and children is vast. We exist in the void between. We look up to our parents and understand their perspective. Their act of love for us has also been an inconvenience for them. Their life and routines have changed. There is constant movement in their once quiet house.

Our children were hurt that they could not financially take over while their Dad was down. We respect them for their efforts and understand their limitations. We communicate with them as adult men. They work hard and pay an agreed upon rent. They helped with their Dad’s daily care while he was not mobile. His immobility also made the parents feel that they should act as surrogate parents to the boys. Their grandparents will always see them as children no matter that the 17 year old is 6’1″; therefore, chastising is the method employed for guidance. That hasn’t worked towards building reciprocity. It does contribute to the young men using avoidance as a defense. The sad part is that it’s also cheating them from being able to get to know their grandparents as people with decades of wisdom and experiences.

I don’t have a resolution. I don’t even know if there needs to be one. Conflict is not always negative; it can cause healthy introspection. I just know our arrangement is temporary and when it’s over I need to put more effort to get the parents to visit our home. Our political ideologies do not serve as concrete evidence that there is no consensus of opinions on any matter. Each generation pulls from their experiences and set their moral compass to navigate the world as they know it. I think all three generations need more time to erase some lines that keep us from fuller connections to the past, present, and future.

Discontent

I drank the higher learning kool-aid and it was laced with discontentment.

Discontent. That's the only way to describe how it feels to want a life that you can never catch hold to. If only that word had a simple action that could erase it from your heart.

As a little kid, I knew that I would have a house with a pool in a suburban neighborhood where the median income was $120,000 a year. The idea of that income was equivalent to $120 million dollars in my childish fantasy. Still, I planned to rise early to a refreshing morning swim and drive off to my mystery job in a flying car (like the Jetsons).

Obviously, I grew up. I have a much better understanding of what it takes to earn that salary, pay for that house with a pool, and pay association fees to keep my neighbors homes uniform with my ideal suburban oasis. I accepted that cars don't fly (yet), but I still want the best on four wheels.

I went to school and got a degree that is little more than a conversation piece. Yes, I gained knowledge in an area of study, but it has done little to enhance my earning potential. I believed so strong that a master's could do what a bachelors could not; consequently, I'm told I'm overeducated. I see people that have used education to their advantage. I am sure it can be done. I've seen it on TV, in magazines, and in books, yet me and my peers can't find the answer to the riddle. "What do you call someone who goes tens of thousands of dollars in debt to pay someone to teach them things out of books that cost hundreds of dollars, but still can't figure out how to use the information from those books to secure a job that can repay the debt?"

I guess it's apparent that my discontent stems from the disconnect between the life I envisioned and the one I created. I take personal responsibility for trying to do everything right by the book. I don't even know how I was supposed to create something different. I mean I did what my parents said; what society said. I drank the higher learning kool-aid and it was laced with discontentment.

Balance: Everything & Nothing

Living in the past and waiting for the future can deprive you of the joys in today. Be present in your own life.

All I know is that my life has been a little bit of everything and nothing in extremes. Mediocre at best and mundane in the least.

I have never “woke up like this”. Flawless. But my morning breath hasn’t killed my husband or kids yet, either.  I have two legs, two hands, two breasts, and I wear size 7 jeans. I am thankful for these unmerited kindnesses in life; however, I’m too modest to wear shorts, I rock an A cup (as far as A cups can rock), and my ass is small enough to fit into Abercrombie (and no self respecting grown woman wants to fit into those heroin chic jeans).  I figure that my figure is mediocre at best.

I do have gorgeous hair. It’s all natural (no perm, weave, or jheri curl berries) and waist length. Thick and healthy. But.. it’s the dullest dark brown. Like muddy water, full of life but no one wants it. My daughter has jet black hair; shiny and sultry lustrous locs.  Mine is healthy but the color is mundane.

A little bit of everything and nothing to extremes. I’ve never been the richest; I’ve never been the poorest. I’ve never been the shortest, but I’m certainly not the tallest. And even though I have wisdom, there are too many topics of study for me to be the master of them all. Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. Not to me anyway.

Contentment is not settling for less than. It is being satisfied with what you have.  Know that your means and skills are sufficient to serve your basic needs right now. This does not mean that you cannot pursue higher education, a job promotion, or dye your hair. It means that while you strive to be the change you want to see, appreciate who you are in this moment.

Living in the past and waiting for the future can deprive you of the joys in today. Be present in your own life. 


🌺🌺🌺🌺Peace & Blessings🌺🌺🌺🌺🦋🦋🦋 🦋FOLLOW ME🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋

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If you like this one, you will love Good Intentions: The Eye of The Beholder and Someone else’s shoes

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The Journey: for goodness self

This is the platform in which I am willing to examine myself. The end goal is to authentically live my philosophies that promote human consciousness and eradicate the contradictions that I find within my own dichotomy of self.

This is where the journey begins. This is the public self giving permission for the private self to be exposed. The reconciliation of the duality of self.

Inside words and pictures mesh to illustrate a world of choice and consequences, where scrutiny does not hamper the fluidity or validity of thought. A picture of the self is formed through its own perspective of where it think it stands in the world. Am I conservative? Am I liberal? Am I believer in God? Am I vested in the power of self? No matter how far the thoughts go, the end is reassurance that who I think I am is still intact. Self will find the evidence to prove its worth. But it must confront evidence that is contrary to who it thinks it is in order to be balanced.. in thoughts and deeds.

The private self is free to believe and value ideas that increase its' own sense of worth. It can chase thoughts down rabbit holes leading to new ideas or new perspectives of old ideas. Since beliefs are not always based in facts, but more often formed from social cues picked up in our environments, testing the validity of our beliefs can be a challenge. After all, how can you know when your logic is off? What does it take to remove barriers that prevent the evolution of conscious thought? How do we discover the errors of our ways?

The public self can be a vehicle to test and identify the foundations of our thoughts. Yes, the public self can also be a facade that is completely disconnected from private thoughts; however, it can also serve as a catalyst to reconcile discrepancies between what we think we know about ourselves and world and how we actually interact in the world.

This is where my journey begins. This is the platform in which I am willing to examine myself. The end goal is to authentically live my philosophies that promote human consciousness and eradicate the contradictions that I find within my own dichotomy of self. Rooting out non-beneficial core thoughts will lead to a fuller, more connected life.  Feel free to come along. Just be willing to do your own work.