The Journey

The Journey: for goodness self

This is where the journey begins. This is the public self giving permission for the private self to be exposed. The reconciliation of the duality of self.

Inside words and pictures mesh to illustrate a world of choice and consequences, where scrutiny does not hamper the fluidity or validity of thought. A picture of the self is formed through its own perspective of where it think it stands in the world. Am I conservative? Am I liberal? Am I believer in God? Am I vested in the power of self? No matter how far the thoughts go, the end is reassurance that who I think I am is still intact. Self will find the evidence to prove its worth. But it must confront evidence that is contrary to who it thinks it is in order to be balanced.. in thoughts and deeds.

The private self is free to believe and value ideas that increase its' own sense of worth. It can chase thoughts down rabbit holes leading to new ideas or new perspectives of old ideas. Since beliefs are not always based in facts, but more often formed from social cues picked up in our environments, testing the validity of our beliefs can be a challenge. After all, how can you know when your logic is off? What does it take to remove barriers that prevent the evolution of conscious thought? How do we discover the errors of our ways?

The public self can be a vehicle to test and identify the foundations of our thoughts. Yes, the public self can also be a facade that is completely disconnected from private thoughts; however, it can also serve as a catalyst to reconcile discrepancies between what we think we know about ourselves and world and how we actually interact in the world.

This is where my journey begins. This is the platform in which I am willing to examine myself. The end goal is to authentically live my philosophies that promote human consciousness and eradicate the contradictions that I find within my own dichotomy of self. Rooting out non-beneficial core thoughts will lead to a fuller, more connected life.  Feel free to come along. Just be willing to do your own work.



Featured post


Hold that line!

Everytime! It's imperative that you hold that line tight! When you thought that your victory was to draw it bold and bright, you were only half right.

It is good to have boundaries that are secure. The best first step for sure. Be mindful that the freedom of self preservation is protection, not a cure.

You've got to hold that line!

Don't get in your feelings for them testing the firmness of your stance. It's not by happenstance. If there's a crack, then there's a chance.

Being a sucker should not be confused with being meek. The latter takes patience that's not given to the weak. Whatever's reserved for you they seek.

Hold that line!

Everytime. Protect the path you choose. Endure every bump and bruise. Without commitment to yourself, your just rewards you'll lose.

You really think after compromise that you will be just fine? It will mar the essence of your soul to know that you lack spine. If your really want to live in peace that is divine, then hold that line!

Good can’t last…

Everything good spoils if it's held too long.

An apple will rotten.
A tea will mold.
Helpfulness breeds resentfulness
When gratitude turns cold.

Every good thing has a date to turn wrong.

A prized car becomes a clunker.
A blouse makes a rag.
Gravity let's you down
When smiles begin to sag.

Even good things cease being strong.

A rubberband will snap.
A birthday balloon pops.
First love becomes the last
When passion finally stops.

Brotherhood and mortality

My son Q is best friends with A. Q and A have been friends since they were little boys. Now they are both 18. Their relationship is built on brotherhood and the real question of mortality.

Q and A were raised in male dominated households. Q has four brothers and one sister. A has three brothers. Q lives with both of his parents and A lives with his single father. They both feel secure, loved, and protected. I think this may be why the vulnerability that exists between them is so natural to all of us.

When they were about 9 years old, A got sick. Their days of playing outside and riding bikes was transformed them into couch potato gamers. I didn't know why A's body had an aversion to protein, but I do know that his medicines and steroids made him swell. And grow really tall lol. He was probably going to be tall anyway; however, his 6 ft stature at age 12 was pretty astonishing.

When I look back, I am glad that Q was being homeschooled then. A had to miss a lot of school, so they both understand responsibility and freedom. Alternative solutions are available to every problem when we seek them. Q asked me to give him recipes for veggie pizza, veggie spaghetti, black bean burgers, and fettuccine Alfredo with mushrooms and roasted tomatoes. From what I heard, he mastered those and more. A knew then that he wanted to grow up to be a chef.

By 14, A was taking dialysis twice a week. I suspect that he slept more during their visits than interacting. Q was over there so much that I was afraid A's dad would sue me for child support. But I let me son go whenever he wanted and he'd let Q come over as often as he needed to. Just hanging out together seemed to help them both.

Oh they had quarrels though. Q would get mad that he had to call A more than A called him. A would be upset, because he couldn't get Q to understand how hard things were for him physically, emotionally, and spiritually. As young teens, how could they communicate the ways that A's health dictated the responsibilities within and the duration of their friendship? Especially boys. Their dads and their brothers didn't call them names or shame their need for this friendship. Then Q started to visit on days that A had dialysis. He would go with him; sit with him as the hours passed.

Q was only 16 when he asked us if he could donate a kidney to his best friend. What does a parent say to that? We had concerns, but ultimately we did not presume to know God's plan for either of them, so we said yes. Look either they were going to be a match or they weren't. That was something that none of us could control or dictated. Q told A. We told A's dad. Love flowed and everyone was increased.

A didn't want Q's kidney, unless there were no other options. He dodged his questions on where and when he could be tested. I think A did not want a part of his friend's life just to save his own. But time went on and no family members were a match. Q told me nonchalantly with a shrug, "I told him again I'd do it". One night the call came that another young person had lost their life and was a good match. We sincerely prayed for the family that thought of someone else's child at the earliest moments of losing their own. Love abounds.

It's been 6 months or so. This summer the boys went fishing, swimming, camping, and hanging out with other friends. I think they've been to escape the room three times (and never get out lol). A told me all his plans for culinary school, getting a driver's license, and a part-time job. He said that now he feels like he can actually plan ahead. Wow.

Q just came in my room and told me…..

Mr. Right can do no wrong

I've told this to a few people before and the more I say it the more I try to find the truth in it. I mean is this really a thing? Is it this simple. Mr. Wrong can never do right and Mr. Right can do no wrong.

Now I know that this seems cliché, but so what. Even frivolous musings can have some wisdom in 'em. Don't forget it can also apply to the Mrs. of the world. I just have zero interest in whether a woman can be right or wrong so I'll just focus on the Mr.'s.

Mr. Wrong can never do right and Mr. Right can do no wrong. I feel like exhausting my thoughts behind this. I don't know if I heard someone else say this first or if it's my brain child; either way, I filed it away. It must speak to something or why else would I save it. I try to only retain needful things, because I don't want to run out of memory when I really need it. But, I digress.

Ok soooo…Mr. Wrong can never do right. There's a pretty simple logic to that. If you've ever been pursued by a very nice person that you had zero attraction to, nothing they did was enough to make you fall for them. As a matter of fact, it can stir up the feeling of agitation. I know for me it can trigger a fight or flight reaction. Neither is endearing.

Ok soooo… Why does Mr. Wrong make you want to punch him in the face for trying to touch your hand?? Maybe that's too strong of a reaction. How about when he tries to lean in to kiss you and you get the heebie geebies (is that how you spell that? Hmm) Anyway, there seems to be a chemical reaction that almost repels you away.

But then I think about maybe Mr. Wrong just can't do right right now but later he could be all right. It's just that right now the timing is all wrong so it puts him in a space that's awkward. Out of sync. Like he could be Mr. Right six months down the road, if he wasn't so darn wrong right now.

Here's another thought, maybe he has all the makings of Mr. Right, but you're so screwed up in your head with unrealistic fantasies that you confuse right for wrong. Just suspicious lol. He brings flowers and you're like "He must think I'm stupid! Being all nice so I can trust him. No way Buddy!" Checking off boxes of what's wrong. You can't even recognize right anymore. He tries to open the door for you and you retort, "Ugh, you just wanna look at my booty. Men are nasty.". Please know that I am fully aware that this explanation could never belong to anyone reading my blog. Yet, this does remind me of the whole "hurt people hurt people" thing. Whatever, I digress.

I've had Mr. Right and even when he was wrong he was so right in his wrongness that all wrong seemed all right. Whew. Seriously though. He can arrive late with no flowers and you're just like "oh well, you're here now". He can smell like a freaking grease monkey and you're still gushing. "Oh how I love a handy man!"

What makes his wrong so right? He's not the only guy with beautiful eyes and a jolly laugh. Other guys may not be able to change your breaks, but they'll smell good and show up on time. He can't do wrong because all wrongs are nullified by the rightness of his ability to just feel right. All the time. Right? *sigh*

I think I might have married Mr. Right who lives inside of Mr. Wrong or Mr. Wrong who cleverly hid inside of Mr. Right. That is my conundrum. He baffles me almost everyday. He's right in the morning, wrong during the day, and right at bedtime. It's like a right wrong roller coaster. How can I adore him and want to punch him in the face at the same time just because he brought me ice cream that I didn't ask for??? Now I do not condone violence, but geez Louise! I really don't think there's a wife out there that hasn't slapped the shit out of her husband in her mind. Similarly, I've caught him looking at me in a way that screamed, "Biiittccchhh!" Needless to say, he was wrong for being right. But we don't slap or call names. Sorry… I digress.

I think my thoughts on this have been exhausted.


"Girl, what is wrong wit yo head?"
"Well you need to comb that mess out. Walking around here with a head full of pig tits."
"They're not pig tits. They're dreadlocks and I like em."
"I agree with one thing. They do look dreadful."

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. You're trying to shove it down my throat that white folks ain't gone like it, that doors will be closed, that I have chosen to look unkept. It's you that cracks back with backhand compliments. Telling me what I can't be.

I refuse to be responsible for someone else's fear of my freedom. I push back against false teachings that do not belong to me. I will not be turned around by someone who has processed all the natural thoughts out their head by buying into lye. I won't deny myself my righteousness. I won't be turned around.

Dreadful is my awe inspiring outward manifestation of inside revelations. They teach me. Tremble against my courage if you must. Shutter at my disregard for life that was never meant for me. Then at the same time, you wanna touch em. No ma'am. Your ways are a circus; I won't jump through hoops.

Be ashamed? Of what? If I walk in a door and I'm not welcomed, then that is a place I would not want to be. And in my personal experience, they never blocked access to quality opportunities for me. Key word: quality. Not every door leads to a room I want to go in. I'm choosy. Seriously, what can be kept from me? A mock-up of equality? Yeah keep that. It's beneath what I already know the path to be.

And I ain't gonna twist my edges away. Trying to tame whats supposed to be free. Miss me. Besides all that pulling, pinning, and yanking make my roots hurt. But mine ain't pretty cus they don't fit into your Cosmo game? Y'all want that GQ fame. Yeah I don't live in that frame. How do you conform nonconformity? Stop it.

A bit of extra truth though. My crown is a straight mat with coils in the back. My modge podge heritage won't rest in a label. It can't nestle into fable, cus it's silk and nappy. It expresses in a way that sincerely baffles me. I learned not to fight it. It can be quite dreadful.

But feel fear? Terror? Never. Well maybe sometimes you should, but that depends more on you and about me less. Are your intentions to inhibit, restrict, or suppress? I ain't colorblind. I recognize all the shade I see. Well, your inferior ruminations build on standards of degradation will not rule the celebration of my inalienable right to be. Me. Free.

I hope you felt that. Dreadfully lol.

A Fool’s Game

Taking thought to every step
Pay the tax and toll for using the road

Dreaming of ends to need and want
The cloud of hope is lightning bolt filled

Devising to stand on a solid plan
Fast or slow cannot lift feet from sand

Committing every fiber of our soul
A stacked deck where fortunes sold

Binding doubt with thread bare will
Glasses cracked by the lies life told

Choice by choice

Face-to-Face. The Ying and the Yang of things. The mirror image that reflects flaws like through a looking glass.

Back-to-Back. No real partner to be had. What is contained in the brain is the singular point of reference.

Choice-by-Choice. We craft our perspective. Build up weaknesses or rely on known strengths, the choice is ours to make.

Daily prompt: Partner

That person…

If you can control it, please don't be that person. You know. The person who is so preoccupied with what comes next that they have no presence in the present.

I try my best not to be that person. That person that sits in the front of the class and equates every lecture to a personal experience. I can tell you that no one cares that you were a real estate agent who volunteered to pass out water during a space shuttle launch. It has nothing to do with [insert course title].

It takes self discipline to avoid becoming that person. No matter what great news your closest friend has you some how turn the conversation towards your own achievements that just happens to grander than hers/his. You are considered a one upper and no one likes your attempts to shine by snuffing the flame of someone else's brightness.

It takes self awareness not to devolve into that person. The emotional vampire. There I've said it. Get your life together. No one wants to hear you whine about a life you created and are unwilling to change.

Oh God, no!!! Have I become that person? The one who sits on high and judges others. Deluded into thinking that we've lived in perpetual triumph all our lives. Forgetting every stumble and fall.

I think it's best to remember that at some point it's likely that we have been that person.

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